Great Minds


For the last few years I’ve tried to think of merchandise that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to sell on the road, and the only idea I’ve ever liked involved T-shirts with idiotic slogans attributed to great thinkers. I’m sure I’ll never have any of these made, but that didn’t stop April Richardson and me from putting this list together:

“I’m not an alcoholic; I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.” - Louisa May Alcott

“If it’s got tits or tires, it’s gonna give you trouble.” - Oscar Wilde

“Golf is a four-letter word.” - Stephen Hawking

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” - Rene Descartes

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” - Marcel Proust

“It’s not a beer belly, it’s a fuel tank for a sex machine.” - William Butler Yeats

“Let’s play carpenter: first we get hammered, then I nail you.” - Albert Camus

“If tits were brains, you’d be a genius.” - Voltaire

“Take me drunk, I’m home.” - Noam Chomsky

“It ain’t gonna suck itself.” - Emily Bronte

“Save the drama for your mama.” - Sigmund Freud

“It’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.” - Leonardo da Vinci

“Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt.” - Howard Zinn

“I’m drucking funk!” - Virginia Woolf

“I’m with stupid.” - Sir Isaac Newton

‘If you can read this, the bitch fell off.” - Nelson Mandela

“A friend with weed is a friend indeed.” - Sylvia Plath

“I’m not a gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.” - Lord Byron

“Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.” - Susan B. Anthony

“The Man ^  The Legend v “ - William Shakespeare

“To all the virgins, thanks for nothing!” - Jane Austen

“Ass, gas, or grass — nobody rides for free!” - Edgar Allan Poe

“If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart!” - Abraham Lincoln

‘“I’m in shape (round is a shape).” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

“I’m #1, so why try harder?” - Karl Marx

“Talk to the hand, ‘cause the face don’t understand!” - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“Pull my finger.” - D. H. Lawrence

“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.” - Mark Twain

“It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.” - Malcolm X

“There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.” - Gloria Steinem

“Visualize whirled peas.” - Winston Churchill

“I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good, either.” - Charles Dickens

“Epic fail.” - Homer

“They call it PMS because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.” - Willa Cather

“Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 1862.” - Gertrude Stein 

“How about a nice tall glass of shut the hell up?” - Martin Luther King, Jr. 

“My reality check bounced.” - Plato 

“Rehab is for quitters.” - Henry David Thoreau 

“You look like I need another drink.” - Margaret Mead

“Cool story, bro.” - Benjamin Franklin

  1. djtoe reblogged this from walkingtheroom
  2. walkingtheroom reblogged this from aprilrichardson
  3. aprilrichardson reblogged this from andytwood and added:
    A year or so ago, Andy told me about an idea he’d had for a while to make T-shirts attributing stupid T-shirt slogans...
  4. andytwood posted this