Great Minds
For the last few years I’ve tried to think of merchandise that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to sell on the road, and the only idea I’ve ever liked is t-shirts with idiotic slogans attributed to great thinkers. I’m sure I’ll never have any of these made, but that didn’t stop April Richardson and me from putting this list together:
“I’m not an alcoholic; I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.” - Louisa May Alcott
“If it’s got tits or tires, it’s gonna give you trouble.” - Oscar Wilde
“Golf is a four-letter word.” - Stephen Hawking
“I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” - Rene Descartes
“I’m not a gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.” - Lord Byron
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” - Marcel Proust
“It’s not a beer belly, it’s a fuel tank for a sex machine.” - William Butler Yeats
“Let’s play carpenter: first we get hammered, then I nail you.” - Albert Camus
“If tits were brains, you’d be a genius.” - Voltaire
“Take me drunk, I’m home.” - Noam Chomsky
“It ain’t gonna suck itself.” - Emily Bronte
“Save the drama for your mama.” - Sigmund Freud
“It’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.” - Leonardo da Vinci
“Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt.” - Howard Zinn
“I’m drucking funk!” - Virginia Woolf
“I’m with stupid.” - Sir Isaac Newton
‘If you can read this, the bitch fell off.” - Nelson Mandela
“A friend with weed is a friend indeed.” - Sylvia Plath
“Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.” - Susan B. Anthony
“The Man ^ The Legend v “ - William Shakespeare
“To all the virgins, thanks for nothing!” - Jane Austen
“Ass, gas, or grass — nobody rides for free!” - Edgar Allan Poe
“If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart!” - Abraham Lincoln
‘“I’m in shape (round is a shape).” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
“I’m #1, so why try harder?” - Karl Marx
“Talk to the hand, ‘cause the face don’t understand!” - Franklin Delano Roosevelt
“Pull my finger.” - D. H. Lawrence
“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.” - Mark Twain
“It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.” - Malcolm X
“There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.” - Gloria Steinem
“Visualize whirled peas.” - Winston Churchill
“I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good, either.” - Charles Dickens
“Epic fail.” - Homer
“They call it PMS because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.” - Willa Cather
“Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 1862.” - Gertrude Stein
“How about a nice tall glass of shut the hell up?” - Martin Luther King, Jr.
“My reality check bounced.” - Plato
“Rehab is for quitters.” - Henry David Thoreau
“You look like I need another drink.” - Margaret Mead
“Cool story, bro.” - Benjamin Franklin
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A year or so ago, Andy told me about an...he’d had for a while to make T-shirts...
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